Darwin got it all wrong! The man may have risked professional suicide with the publication of his ‘On the Origin of Species’ — showing that humans evolved from pelicans* to develop opposable thumbs, simply due to the ‘struggle of survival’ — but he still missed the real reason.

*Darwin may not have claimed humans evolved from pelicans

We now know that humans developed opposable thumbs over gazillions of years purely so we could try and impress our mates Geoff and Dan down the pub with some clever tricks. So, fulfil your evolutionary destiny; gather together your very own Geoffs and Dans and try the following on them…

1. How to tie your shoelaces in one second like a ninja

Ok, so perhaps ninjas are not famous for wearing shoes with shoelaces, but if they were, this is how they would tie them. Hiiiiiiyaaaa (that’s your optional sound effect by the way)…

2. How to perfectly fold a T-shirt in 3 moves

You know when you’re down the pub and the age-old argument of who can fold a t-shirt the quickest comes up after a couple of drinks (or perhaps that’s just my friends). Well, next time this happens, whip it off, slap it on the bar and hit ‘em with these mad skillz. Plus, you can use it to impress shop girls in Benetton too…

3. How to peel an egg like a monkey blow dart

Meeting friends for breakfast? Make them choke on their Golden Grahams when you bust out this egg-based monkey-blow dart move (that’s not a phrase I’ve typed before, I can tell thee!)…

4. How to slice a banana without peeling it

You’re still at breakfast and you’ve just blown your friends away with the egg-peeling trick (pun intended dear reader), now deliver the coup de grâce of coolness by presenting them with a pre-sliced banana, still in it’s peel. You will either be worshipped as a god or burned as a witch…

5. How to open a beer bottle with some paper

You know the scene; you’re at a BBQ and no one’s got a bottle opener to get into your chilled organic strawberry beer. No probs, just ask for a scrap of paper and do the following trick. (And the great thing about this one is that, if you scale up and do the same with a full newspaper, you’ve got yourself a ‘Chelsea Cosh’ with which you can batter anyone senseless for commenting on your organic strawberry beer)…

6. How to open a bottle of wine with your shoe

You know the scene; it’s 10.30am, you’re under the flyover by a burning bin with your £1.50 bottle of Lidl wine, but no one’s got a bottle opener. Not even Stinky Joe. No probs, just whip off your (one and only) shoe, use this trick, and you’ll be drunk by 10.45am. Huzzah!

7. How to how to Houdini a pair of handcuffs

So, it’s Friday night and you and your mates are all cuffed up in the back of a Black Maria for a cheeky little affray of the peace. Perform the following escapology and your mates will be so impressed they’ll forget to be angry with you for leaving them to spend the night banged up in La Maison Grande…

Cartridge Dave’s Article Round Up

So, in your face Darwin! There’s proof — as if proof were needed — that we humans (by which I mean you humans, being a badger myself), evolved opposable thumbs not for anything so boring and predictable as ‘the struggle of survival’, but instead to elicit high-fives from our mates in the vain and hollow attempt to feel like we’re better than them.

That is why we won the evolutionary race. You’ll never see a tiger open a wine bottle with its shoe. And that’s why they’re extinct**. The orange losers!

**Tigers may not be extinct at time of press. But they still can’t open wine bottles with their shoes. They haven’t even invented shoes yet.

Know a good trick that impresses your friends? Share it in the comments below…